Sunday, January 27, 2002

Let's talk about fear. Not the normal, everyday fear like being afraid to ask a certain person out, or being afraid to try an unfamiliar vegetable, I mean the kind of fear that would lead a child to wet the bed because the monsters would get him if he put his feet on the floor. I mean the kind of fear that left me huddled and weeping in a corner.

In Dune, Frank Herbert called fear "the mind-killer" and "the little death". I now wonder if Mr. Herbert suffered from a panic disorder, because his phrases really hit close to home. Fear does kill the mind when it gets to this level. It becomes an almost physical presence, suffocating its victim, battering at the mind, clubbing reason and logic into unconsciousness. The mind wants for it to stop and will do anything to make it stop. When the crisis comes, the mind is likely to flee shrieking into the night.

Fear is "the little death". The panic attack that I suffered on January 14, 2002 was a life-threatening event. I could easily have wound up dead by my own hand or by accident brought on by unreasoning panic. Since that time, I know that I have been deeply wounded and will take a long, long time to heal. There is now only one place where I feel safe, and I can't go back there. That is frightening in and of itself.

My soon-to-br-former boss called my house yesterday, and I answered the phone. He was obviously uncomfrotable talking to me, and I understand that. Nothing in particular was said, just "How are you?" and "Recovering, thank you", but since that time, I have had a hard time every time the phone has rung. This morning, I am having a hard time with just the possibility that the phone might ring.

I have to write.

Couple of new ideas:

Conversion - Vampire gets the Holy Ghost, does God's grace extend to soulless monsters?
Vampires Anonymous - 12-Step program for recovery. Would work well for werewolves, as well.

Blood-sucking monsters seem to be on my mind these days. Reckon there's some not-so-deep psychological reason for that, given my work situation over the past year?


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