Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Okay. So what I am learning right now is that depression does not heal itself, nor does medication alone make it altogether better. That being the case, then I guess I'll just have to learn how to live with this and heal myself.

I think that one of the greatest problems with modern-day life is the lack of rituals. In previous civilizations, there were ritulas that marked the milestones of people's lives, but they have fallen out of favor in latter days. I think that that is a serious failure in our society. We have no way to measure ourselves except by the amount of money we make or the possessions that we have. This, of course, leads to a highly materialistic culture and a disregard for spiritual, or soulful, matters. I miss ritual in my life. Organizaed religion provides that for some, but leaves me cold. One of the things that weighs most heavily on me is that I am standing at the mid-point of my life, looking around, and I have no way to measure my progress or my worth and, in fact, no idea of what goal I should be striving to reach. This feeling of floundering in a trackless swamp is slowly overwhelming me.

And so, the final question always come down to this: what's in this for me? A purposeless life is not worth the constant struggle. If material success is the only measure, then I can only class myself as an abject failure. Not only can I not provide myself and my wife with a decent living, I cannot provide any living at all right now. If there is any other answer, I can't see it. So the search continues -- at least for a while.

Current reading: Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue: Book 1 by Neale Donald Walsch. Fascinating reading. Contains lots of good insights and much to ponder.

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