Thursday, October 28, 2004

Life's a bitch, and then ...

Well, you already know the rest of that proverb. This has been the worst relapse I've had in a couple of years. I guess I'm coming out of it now, though. I'm getting my sense of humor back, so I must be getting better.

It's amazing to me how many people just don't get it. Maybe you just can't understand if you haven't been there. The depression that I have is not just a "bad day", "down in the dumps" or the "blues". This is a serious clinical disorder known as Major Depressive Disorder with diagnostic criteria defined in DSM-IV-TR (page 369, if you're interested). I can't just "get over it" or "cheer up". If I could do that just by force of will, I wouldn't have spent the last 6 weeks just putting one foot in front of the other and just trying to get through the day. Trust me, that is not fun at all.

I know they mean well, but it doesn't help. When I'm having a Major Depressive Episode, my brain does not work right. It's not a matter of just being sad or feeling bad. My mind looks over my life's balance sheet, and all it can see is red ink. The only reason I don't give up and give in to the voice that tells me it's just worth the pain is that I don't trust my brain anymore. It has tried to kill me too many times.

Oh well, enough with the bitching and moaning for now. Yesterday, I was looking at some back issues of Vision for inspiration and noticed that one issue was missing. I e-mailed Zette to let her know so she could fix the link.

Well! Little did I know that my e-mail set off fire alarms and air raid sirens around the Gifford household. It turns out the site was fundamentally screwed in strange and terrible ways. It's feeling much better now, though. Sorry, Zette! I know you really didn't need that.

I've been concentrating on therapeutic writing lately, trying to sort out some of this mental sewage overflow. I'm trying to sneak up on my novel. Maybe this weekend things won't be so crazy ...

I went to my 30th high school reunion this past Saturday. 30 years! Damn, I'm old! The really disgusting thing is that one of the girls in my class was there, and she doesn't look a day over 25. Some people got it and some people don't, I guess. Apparently, I don't.

That's enough for one day. We'll see what tomorrow brings ...


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