Thursday, November 18, 2004

A slight digression

Had to vent a little bit before getting down to serious work.

WARNING!! Do not read this if you are easily offended. In fact, if you are easily offended, you probably shouldn't be here at all.



"Welcome to the Pearly Gates. Okay, let's see... Oh yeah, we've been waiting for you, heh, heh, heh! You got some 'splainin' to do, young man.

"Okay, from the top. We'll skip over all that stuff while you were growing up. You're not expected to have any sense before you turn 21, but what's all this about living with your parents and partying every night until you were 25? Didn't you have any ambition? No? No dreams to pursue? No goals or direction? No? You were issued a dream and a talent before you were born, what did you do with them?

"Fun? You think you were put on Earth to have fun and sponge off other people? Boy, you really missed that one!

"Test? Of course it's a test! We told you that in the orientation. Didn't remember, huh? Yeah, I've heard that one before. The clues were all around you, man, weren't you paying attention? You probably thought they didn't apply to you. I get that a lot, too. What made you think you were so special?

"Yeah, that whole 'self-esteem' thing. Really burns the Big Guy's butt. Everybody thinks they're some kinda prophet or something. Well, it don't work that way, Sparky. It's called self-determination. You do for yourself, and we'll help you out. No free rides. It's up to you to make your way in the world. You've got to put out some effort, make things better for yourself and everybody else.

"Where were we? Oh, yeah. Says here you spent the next ten years making babies you couldn't support. Six of 'em. What about that?

"'Be fruitful and multiply?' I get so tired of hearing that! What about taking care of the Earth you were given dominion over? It's not just there to be used up, you know. There's more coming behind you. You have to leave something for them besides your sh...uh...crap to clean up!

"And just look at how your kids turned out. Greedy little shin-kickers running around grabbing every buck they can get and hoarding it all. Think the world owes 'em a favor 'cause they had it tough. Screwed-up ain't the word! That goes against you, too.

"Not have kids? Don't be stupid. Of course you should have kids! You're supposed to use the good sense We gave you, is all. Be responsible. Have as many kids as you can handle and raise 'em to be good people. If you can't do that, don't have any at all. Lucifer's causing enough troublle already. We don't need people helping him out by not thinking about what they're doing.

"And now, the piece-de-resistance! The infamous Grilled Cheese Sandwich! You really caused a ruckus with that one, let me tell you! We had to scramble to keep Jesus from going down right then and putting an end to all the idiocy. That would have screwed up our plans for all Eternity. He was really pissed about you dissing his mother that way. Probably still is. You better be glad he's not here to greet you personally.

"You thought it was a sign? A sign of what? That Jesus was coming for lunch? Have you lost your mind? A grilled cheese sandwich? Don't you think He would have picked a little more decorous way to announce Himself?

"And Mary! You really owe Her, let me tell you!

"Well, there's just no excuse for that one. You're outta here! Have a nice Eternity."


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