Thursday, January 20, 2005

"Had to cry today..."
Steve Winwood, Had to Cry Today on Blind Faith

Not feeling very well right now. I was already wrestling with some emotional issues. Then, I got the news from my doctor: Next week I start on insulin twice a day (70% NPH, 30% Regular). That really sucks. It REALLY sucks. It means I have lost more ground to diabetes. That's ground I can never get back. Diabetes is not only incurable, it is progressive and irreversible. As a matter of fact, the medical profession at this time is not even sure exactly what Type II diabetes is, much less what to do about it. Ack.

Being diagnosed was a nightmare come to life for me. I have seen what this disease has done to my mother over the years. First, she lost her vision over a period of years. Laser surgery didn't help. Nothing helped. Then, she had a sextuple (!!) bypass, brought about by one of the really nice side effects of insulin: atherosclerosis. Shortly after that, she had to have an aortic aneurysm repaired. More plaque. While on the operating table, she had her first stroke. Left arm and foot weakened.

She made it to retirement about that time, which was good timing, because about six months later, she had a really bad stroke that completely paralyzed her left side and left her barely able to eat or talk. That was four years ago. These days she can't hold herself upright for more than a few minutes at a time. She can't talk anymore. She lives on Ensure and an occasional cookie as a treat. The worst part? She's an RN. She knew what was coming. And she's trapped in there now. I hope the heart attack gets me first. I don't want to end up like that.

Anyway, that's weighing heavy on my mind right now, and fiction will have to wait a day or two. I'll be spending time writing in my secret journal for now. A lot of things that don't need to be said in public. And spending a lot of time on the treadmill cussing and sweating. Great way to work out anger.


At 9:09 AM, Blogger Holly said...

Hugs. Just hugs.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Debra Young said...

My heart goes out to you, Carter. My younger sister has diabetes (coupled w/systemic lupus)and she's already undergone one stroke. Hugs from me too. d:


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