Monday, January 10, 2005

Here we go again.

Been fighting a severe attack of the "Why Bother"s. Why bother working on that story? It's crap and you know it. Why bother submitting anything? You know you're going to be rejected again. Why bother blogging? Nobody cares. Why bother this? Why bother that? Why bother anything at all? Why not just sit in the recliner and stare out the window?

This is self-sabotage at its finest. My mind is endlessly creative when it comes to ways to avoid doing things that I like. It's always got a long list of "shoulds" to throw at me. I should be house-cleaning. I should be outside working on the driveway. I should re-stack the firewood.

It would be great if I could just say Retro me Satanas! and the sorry son-of-a-bitch would just shut up and leave me alone. This business (life or writing, works either way) is hard enough without the constant battle with myself. Sometimes it just wears me out. I look at the computer and the notebook with dread instead of anticipation. I know that if I start, the racket in my head will become unbearable. Shit.

A lot of it comes from my parents, just like most of us. Make more money! Get ahead! Drive a nicer car! Buy a bigger house! Screw that! I don't care about those things. Creating with words is just about the only thing in my life right now that gives it purpose and meaning. I have to do this. I have no choice. Just please, please, please shut up and leave me alone!

Sometimes I go a little crazy. Don't be afraid, my wife hid the guns a long time ago. :)

I hope she sold them.

Small progress.

In spite of the obstacles, I have managed to get a little done. 2600 words into the "Though Your Sins Be As Scarlet" transcription/rewrite. Also got one rewrite done on "The Easy Way Out". Net gain of 400 words to 1100. I had originally intended this one to be flash, but I never could get it to work. There's just too much depth that has to be explored and expressed. I'll take another hard look at it tomorrow and see if it's ready to send out for crit. Also have 2 article ideas and a Web review to work on for Vision. Feb. 10 deadline, so they're not rush jobs.

Also got Author and Title indexes for Vision up and running on my Web site. Subject index will be a little while yet. Sometime in the Spring, I hope.


At 9:23 AM, Blogger Holly said...

Meditation -- the focus on not self, simple breathing in and out while releasing the mind's chatter -- can be an effective cure for the 'why bothers'.

Hang in. The soul knows why bother, even if the monkey mind attempts to out-shout it.

At 10:52 AM, Blogger Carter said...

Monkey Mind
by Carter Nipper
Copyright © 2005

Chatter chatter
Chitter chitter
Chitter chatter
Chatter chitter
Chitter jitter chatter clatter
Jingle jangle tingle tangle
Clinker clanker banging clanging
Batter chatter battle cattle
Crash bash bang clang
shake quake wail quail
shiver quiver tight fight

Warm wavery golden light

Silence watching see release

Hear quiet here now

Now peace silent now

Thanks for the reminder, Holly. I'm not often able to let go enough to actually meditate (longstanding PTSD, working on it), but sometimes writing it down helps.

At 2:41 PM, Blogger Debra Young said...

Hang in there, Carter! The "why bothers" can be vicious; don't let monkey mind's chatter overcome you. I think you're doing what you need to do already--working right through it by writing! Keep going. d:)

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Holly said...

I DO like the Monkey Mind poem. That's my mind way too often.


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