Thursday, March 17, 2005

The Downward Spiral

Here I go again. I've been trying to fight it off all week, but I guess it's time for my semi-annual "episode". Every day I get more lethargic, more emotionally fragile. I'm irritable, and the dreams get worse every night. My synapses are clogged with Jell-o, and my thoughts move with the speed and grace of a three-toed sloth. It's twilight; darkness will fall soon.

Damn, I hate this! I feel completely helpless. Hell, I am completely helpless. That blck, stinking muck just keeps sucking me down. Slowly, inevitably down. I'm scared that one of these days, I'll sink, and I won't be able to come back up.

I'm rigging for silent running, and I may disappear for a few days. If this gets much worse, I will need to concentrate on just maintaining from day to day, or from hour to hour. A couple of times, I have had to just try to make to the next breath. That's hard. I have to constantly keep distracting my mind to keep it from considering its options. I don't need to be making life decisions when I am emotionally impaired and mentally blind.

I have to spend some hours this weekend searching for any specific issues that I can find that might have triggered this and try to deal with them. That's tough, too. I have so damned many issues it's hard to tell which ones are currently bugging me the most.

The potential silver lining: sometimes I get some great story ideas.

A sad goodbye

Andre Norton died today in Murfreesboro, TN. She was 93. Last Friday, she was able to hold a copy of her last novel in her hands. She liked the cover.

My first exposure to Ms. Norton's writing was Moon of Three Rings. I first read it in elementary school and have loved it since. I still get it out and reread it every few years. She really had a way with words. There was beauty in every sentence. She left a mark on the world that few have or will equal.

Thank you, Ms. Norton, for sharing your beauty with us.


At 6:40 PM, Blogger Debra Young said...

Sorry about what's happening to you, Carter. I hope you're able to find peace.

Andre Norton: I discovered her books in middle school and Moon of Three Rings was the first for me also. I remember how the story captured me from the first sentence. In all these years I've not forgotten it.

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Carter said...

Thanks, Debra. It's just a matter of muddling through. It's frustrating to be so out of control of my life. Diabetes is bad enough, but when you throw in depression, too, it's just sometimes too much.

I think that when I read "Moon of Three Rings" was one of the first times I really had a craving to become a writer. Beautiful writing has always given me the feeling of "I want to do that".


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