Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Consequences

Every choice we make has consequences, even the ones we don't make. As the Rush song "Freewill" says "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice".

I got crazy with the Vanilla Wafers last night. This morning, my fasting blood sugar was 302. Ouch. Target range is 80 - 120. 4 hours of sweat and cursing later, I had gotten it down to 84. I know better. If I overdo, there is a price to pay. I made my choice. Mea culpa.

Consequences.

A friend asked yesterday (in e-mail) how I was doing with my plan for WITB. Ouch again. Where did April go? I'm now a month behind. Again, mea culpa. I know I sabotage myself. I should be more aware of it, but I get too distracted by other things and wander off. Things don't get done, and I beat myself up for it. Then, I beat myself up for beating myself up. The upshot is that the work still doesn't get done.

Consequences.

So now what? What are my choices?

I could choose to just give up, crawl into a hole and hide. The consequences of that lead to complete loss of faith in myself, despair, and depression. Been there. Done that. Not an option.

I could pick up where I left off and just push everything back 6 weeks. There are some issues with that that I have run into. Strict discipline and rigid structure are anathema to me. Whether self-imposed or external, as soon as I or anyone else says "You have to", I dig in my heels and say "Oh yeah? Try to make me!" It's a fundamental reflex that I have not yet been able to get under control. That way leads to frustration and stress. Not a good option, either.

I could opt to just wing it. Go where the wind blows me. Write whatever comes to mind. Screw goals, just do something for fun. At the end of that road lies a large pile of unfinished business and regret for missed opportunities.

Consequences.

Somewhere between the stait-jacket and anarchy lies my Golden Mean, the place where I can work in a way that suits me and be happy with what I turn out. I'm still searching for that place. Please pardon me while I waffle.

4 Comments:

At 12:56 PM, Blogger Debra Young said...

"Somewhere between the stait-jacket and anarchy lies my Golden Mean, the place where I can work in a way that suits me and be happy with what I turn out. I'm still searching for that place. Please pardon me while I waffle."

'Tis a never-ending search with us, isn't it? First step is to find that quiet place in your head (we've all got one) and then listen to your heart. There was a time when the only thing that mattered (creative-wise) was the story you wanted to write. You felt its call, heard its voice, and felt that indefinable sense, the pull to give life to words and make a vision incarnate. The story resided in your heart before it journeyed to your mind. Take your time, Carter. Your visions will always be with you.

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger Michelle Miles said...

That is one of my favorite Rush tunes.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Tara said...

I do this. Ugh. I spent my morning saying to myself, "As soon as you do x, you can do y or have ice cream." Bribing myself... *sigh*

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Carter said...

Mik, I'm not a real big Rush fan, but that one stuck with me. It makes a lot of sense.

Tara, bribery sometimes works, but the stakes often get ridiculously high. I'm what they call high-maintenance. And ice cream is not an option. Damn, I miss it!

Debra, see today's post.

Thanks to all.

 

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