Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My Mind is Not My Friend

If you don't like whining and self-pity, you shouldn't read this post. Check back later for more interesting stuff. I hope.

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"You're a worthless piece of shit, you know it? Not even a real turd, just a dingleberry."

"Yeah, I know. Shut up."

"Hey, you remember back when you worked for ____________? You know, that time _________ asked you about that problem?"

"Yeah, I remember. Shut up."

"Man, you really fucked that up. What you should have said was..."

"Hey, I'm trying not to think about that any more. It's done. It's gone. Let it go."

"Yeah, but hink how much better you could have handled that. Man, they all think you're a real sorry-ass now. Especially since you went crazy and left them in the lurch like that. You really aren't worth a shit."

"I know. I know. I'm trying to deal with that. It'd be a lot easier if you'ld just shut the fuck up."

"And this writing thing. Who are you trying to kid? You know you can't do it. You've never done anything worth a shit in your entire life. Do you really believe you're ever going to write anything anybody else cares about? You never had an original thought ion your life, and besides, you can't write for shit."

"I write very well, thank you, and I will be successful one day."

"Oh yeah? If you write so good, how come you ain't rich, huh? If you could write, somebody'd want to publish your stories. Give it up, already! Try to something worth a damn with your life, like earn a living."

"It'll come. I just need some time."

"You don't have any time. You're old, tired, and sick. You're going to die before you ever accomplish anything. The only thing you'll be remembered for is for fucking up everything you ever touched. You should have killed yourself when you had the chance. You fucked that up, too. Damn, you're useless! If you had any sense, you'd go ahead and kill yourself now. At least then you'd at least get a little sympathy."

"Uh-uh. You ain't pulling that shit on me again. I'm onto that."

"What have you got lose? You're so tired you can hardly get out of bed in the morning. You hate to exercise. Give it up. Just sit and eat potato chips and watch TV. It's all you have the strength for."

"No, I have to keep going. Yeah, I am tired, but I have to keep exercising. I have to get that habit fixed."

"What for? You can't win. If the heart attack doesn't kill you, the stroke will. All you're doing is putting it off a few days. Hell, you might just drop dead today. Don't you feel that pain and tightness in your chest?"

"That's just anxiety. You did that. It's not a heart attack. We've been through this a lot of times already. You can't fool me anymore."

"Bullshit. This time it's real. You've farted around and wasted your whole life, and now you're going to drop dead in the living room floor, and everybody's going to come to your funeral and laugh at what a failure and bad joke you were. Nobody even likes you. What the hell good are you?"

"Shut up. I mean it. You're lying. The doctor and I have all this worked out. None of that is true, and you know it. I'm changing. I'm changing the way I think and the way I live. I'm not going to be self-destructive any more. You can't make me."

"Bullshit! You know it's all bullshit. You can't change. You're just deluding yourself again. Just like all the other times when you thought you were going to do something like make money or do something well. You've never been anything but a fuck-up. Remember that time when..."

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And on and on and on. I can't wait until that rat-bastard wears himself out and goes back to sleep.

3 Comments:

At 8:00 PM, Blogger Jean said...

Hey! Who put my self-talk in your head? Good comebacks. Keep 'em coming. You're doing the right things--never give up.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger PiroEyes said...

Goosebumps. o.O That's OUR internal editor, we swears! They ssstole it from ussss, gives it back-- uhh, no, hehe tis OK, we'll go find a ring instead.
Keep fighting man. You're talented. You're becoming better every day.

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Debra Young said...

Gosh, Carter, your demon and mine must be sister and brother. Will salt, holy water, and barbed wire help?

You're good, Carter. Let that voice be no more than so much background noise. d:)

 

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